1. "Nicotine makes my ovaries hurt."
2. Resident: "How did you sleep last night? Did that new medicine help?"
Patient: "Terrible...because you wasn't with me!"
3. "If Kobe Bryant lives inside of me, does he have to take medicines too?"
4. Student: "Can you tell me what floor we are on?:
Patient: "I was on the 2nd floor but that could have changed depending on the space-time continuum..."
5. "It takes a village to raise a village idiot."
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
5 different kinds of farts (part 1)
This is an area in which I am a qualified expert. This is serious. So serious that it will come in multiple installments.
1. The Silent but Deadly (SBD) - This is the kind of fart that escapes inaudibly but is has the potency in smell and density to make an entire room collapse. They can smell like anything, the only thing that is consistent about these buggers is that they are strong, very strong.
2. The Growling Fart - These farts kind of sound like my dog when someone trys to brush his teeth (and by someone I mean my wife). They orignate deep in the dark places of the bowels and have the same pitch as Mufasa from the Lion King when he speaks from the sky. Other than sounding like an earthquake coming out of your butt they usually are quiet tolerable from the nasal stand point.
3. The Anal Control Fart - Sometimes life puts you in "serious" situations, like fancy restaurants, or business meetings, or funerals. Times when it feels socially inexcusable to release gas (which is perfectly natural). So you clench your buttocks and nearly cause a heart attack in an effort to let the pressure subside and hope for the best.
4. The Gambled 'n' Lost (GNL) Fart - Sometimes you take a gamble and hope to all that is good that its going to be a fart. You feel for a fart bubble and you take a risk. You stay where you are, but then you realize that this is going to be a tragic occasion and that this is much more than a fart....
5. The Squeaky Fart - Sounds like a pig being tickled by a feather. Normally smells foul.
1. The Silent but Deadly (SBD) - This is the kind of fart that escapes inaudibly but is has the potency in smell and density to make an entire room collapse. They can smell like anything, the only thing that is consistent about these buggers is that they are strong, very strong.
2. The Growling Fart - These farts kind of sound like my dog when someone trys to brush his teeth (and by someone I mean my wife). They orignate deep in the dark places of the bowels and have the same pitch as Mufasa from the Lion King when he speaks from the sky. Other than sounding like an earthquake coming out of your butt they usually are quiet tolerable from the nasal stand point.
3. The Anal Control Fart - Sometimes life puts you in "serious" situations, like fancy restaurants, or business meetings, or funerals. Times when it feels socially inexcusable to release gas (which is perfectly natural). So you clench your buttocks and nearly cause a heart attack in an effort to let the pressure subside and hope for the best.
4. The Gambled 'n' Lost (GNL) Fart - Sometimes you take a gamble and hope to all that is good that its going to be a fart. You feel for a fart bubble and you take a risk. You stay where you are, but then you realize that this is going to be a tragic occasion and that this is much more than a fart....
5. The Squeaky Fart - Sounds like a pig being tickled by a feather. Normally smells foul.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
5 animals that I think are ugly cute
When people think of cute animals they usually think of puppies or kittens in tea-cups. In fact, if you don't believe me, visit www.cuteoverload.com and just look and see what percentage of the cuteness on display is made of baby domesticated furballs. I would like to share with you animals that aren't quite as well known that have that special "ugly-cute" quality. Its the kind of cute that makes you pity the creature. My sister would call these animals "frumpy".
1. Sloths - This sloth's looks like he is head of the rasta movement. He has some of the most beautiful dreadlocks. And forgive me for anthropomorphizing, but that expression is fabulous! Maybe its the first time he has come into contact with a mirror.
2. Pangolins - I did not photoshop this picture, this is a real animal. Yes, God did indeed create this little guy! He is like a little walking artichoke. These guys can role up into adorable little spiky balls when threatened.
3. Marmosets - Please watch this video it will change your life....and your perspective on Motown.
4. Tapirs - These cutie pies have such squeedorable snouts! And I love the baby's cute little speckled butt! Swoon!
5. Hedgehogs - I realize that hedgehogs have spines and stuff, but doesn't this little ball of cute just look so edible! But I think I would still choose the chocolate covered caramel over spiky delight any day.
1. Sloths - This sloth's looks like he is head of the rasta movement. He has some of the most beautiful dreadlocks. And forgive me for anthropomorphizing, but that expression is fabulous! Maybe its the first time he has come into contact with a mirror.
2. Pangolins - I did not photoshop this picture, this is a real animal. Yes, God did indeed create this little guy! He is like a little walking artichoke. These guys can role up into adorable little spiky balls when threatened.
4. Tapirs - These cutie pies have such squeedorable snouts! And I love the baby's cute little speckled butt! Swoon!
5. Hedgehogs - I realize that hedgehogs have spines and stuff, but doesn't this little ball of cute just look so edible! But I think I would still choose the chocolate covered caramel over spiky delight any day.
Monday, March 4, 2013
5 things I appreciate about my friends.
1. I appreciate when I get the chance to witness my friends' creative genius. I find nothing cooler than watching a friend tear up a guitar or nimbly crochet an intricate blanket. I have found over and over that my friends can surprise me real good with the creative stuff that they have hidden up their sleeve! So if you are a friend and you are reading this, I would LOVE to watch you play the sport you love to play, or the look at the art work that you are like to draw, or the rap song you like to...well...rap. Sometime I feel like people don't feel like its cool to share with others the things that you like to do. Like its showing off, or its nerdy or something. I don't care! Share with me, I think its really beautiful to share with people, especially people you love, the super cool talents God has given you!
2. I appreciate good solid hugs. I have alot to say about hugs, so I will save it for another post. But a good hug is a warm pocket of safety where you can just forget about what is cool or kosher and just express "I love you" without having to say a darn word. I LOVE them.
3. I appreciate good hearty laughter. Some of you guys have the best laughs. I remember one time being with a group of friends who decided to start laughing for no good reason. We were guffawing for a good 5 minutes straight, to the point where I was expecting my six pack to become an eight pack. And it was crazy, we couldn't stop laughing, even though we were only laughing because everyone else is laughing. Laughing is wonderfully contagious. And it is wonderfully mood altering. A good and sincere laugh is surprisingly healing. Forgive me for sounding Patch Adamsy, but you tell me if you havent found someone bringing a sense of humor to a difficult situation helpful (when done gracefully).
4. I appreciate when they share some awesome insight. As I continue studying the field of psychiatry, I become painfully aware of my limitation of my own perspective. Friends who know you, have the valuable advantage of being able to shed light on your character and how you affect the outside work.
5. I appreciate when they encourage and push me to be a better person. Just today I got a fabulous text from a friend who reminded me to blog, and that she was expecting me to blog. I feel like so much of the growth I have made in my life thus far has come from friends pushing my fat butt up a hill I am too lazy or stupid to climb on my own.
So in short. Thank you to all of you for the gift of friendship! No really, thank you!
2. I appreciate good solid hugs. I have alot to say about hugs, so I will save it for another post. But a good hug is a warm pocket of safety where you can just forget about what is cool or kosher and just express "I love you" without having to say a darn word. I LOVE them.
3. I appreciate good hearty laughter. Some of you guys have the best laughs. I remember one time being with a group of friends who decided to start laughing for no good reason. We were guffawing for a good 5 minutes straight, to the point where I was expecting my six pack to become an eight pack. And it was crazy, we couldn't stop laughing, even though we were only laughing because everyone else is laughing. Laughing is wonderfully contagious. And it is wonderfully mood altering. A good and sincere laugh is surprisingly healing. Forgive me for sounding Patch Adamsy, but you tell me if you havent found someone bringing a sense of humor to a difficult situation helpful (when done gracefully).
4. I appreciate when they share some awesome insight. As I continue studying the field of psychiatry, I become painfully aware of my limitation of my own perspective. Friends who know you, have the valuable advantage of being able to shed light on your character and how you affect the outside work.
5. I appreciate when they encourage and push me to be a better person. Just today I got a fabulous text from a friend who reminded me to blog, and that she was expecting me to blog. I feel like so much of the growth I have made in my life thus far has come from friends pushing my fat butt up a hill I am too lazy or stupid to climb on my own.
So in short. Thank you to all of you for the gift of friendship! No really, thank you!
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