This is an area in which I am a qualified expert. This is serious. So serious that it will come in multiple installments.
1. The Silent but Deadly (SBD) - This is the kind of fart that escapes inaudibly but is has the potency in smell and density to make an entire room collapse. They can smell like anything, the only thing that is consistent about these buggers is that they are strong, very strong.
2. The Growling Fart - These farts kind of sound like my dog when someone trys to brush his teeth (and by someone I mean my wife). They orignate deep in the dark places of the bowels and have the same pitch as Mufasa from the Lion King when he speaks from the sky. Other than sounding like an earthquake coming out of your butt they usually are quiet tolerable from the nasal stand point.
3. The Anal Control Fart - Sometimes life puts you in "serious" situations, like fancy restaurants, or business meetings, or funerals. Times when it feels socially inexcusable to release gas (which is perfectly natural). So you clench your buttocks and nearly cause a heart attack in an effort to let the pressure subside and hope for the best.
4. The Gambled 'n' Lost (GNL) Fart - Sometimes you take a gamble and hope to all that is good that its going to be a fart. You feel for a fart bubble and you take a risk. You stay where you are, but then you realize that this is going to be a tragic occasion and that this is much more than a fart....
5. The Squeaky Fart - Sounds like a pig being tickled by a feather. Normally smells foul.
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